Rough Days

*I wrote this post last Thursday, pressing on to know Him more.*

It's days like today that I hate. Days when I wake up late because I was up too late with a baby who wouldn't sleep well. And, my other three are all outside playing happily but breakfast hasn't been served yet and home school hasn't begun yet and laundry is piling up (just small heaps) and it's already mid-morning. The prayers I said through the night seem faint...and the pleading with my Savior to carry me through today seem dry and unrealistic. Oh, the optimism 3am brings! So, with harsh words spoken, sighs and groans and a bad temperament I start the day, even with the prayers said before leaving my bed. I grovel for some self-control as I press on through Language Arts. Questioning with impatience why the eldest son got the plural of some pronoun wrong...and the Spirit quickly checking me...with a gentle reminder that he is just learning these rules...go gentle on him and with love. Yes, He softens me and reminds me not to bring on myself a later sorrow that I will regret and to teach him lovingly. So, in obedience I submit. I sacrifice that selfish heart once again though it needs slaying every day, every moment. We are sin. It's not so much acts that we commit or not commit as much as it is WHAT we are. It's ingrained in the fabric of human nature...it comes so naturally, so subtly. My good friend often reminds me, "It's a broken world." Yes, indeed and I am a broken vessel. So, after reading the stories of Esther and Job to the children I find myself irritated again. I find a quiet place while the children are outside playing in the ashes of our fire pit, and I cry like a baby. I cry out to my Savior and He hears me. I know He hears me because I sense the Spirit reminding me of our discussion last night. Several ladies from our church gather together once a month to discuss Sunday's sermon. Last Sunday we heard Matthew 10:16-25. It's all about how Jesus' disciples will suffer. He suffered and we will too. We have the Word to encourage us, we have the presence of the Father, Son and Spirit to encourage us...so press on. Oh...is this my suffering? The daily laying aside of myself to serve my family. Serving meals, doing laundry, cleaning up messes, teaching pronouns, and the alphabet, and history, music and art. It doesn't seem much like suffering, does it? Many women would LOVE to have the opportunity to stay home with their children and count it all joy and here I am seemingly complaining about the "suffering" set before me. But, it is a daily laying down, a daily death, there's no room for me and I feel like I am losing myself. I forget, too soon, this is the goal. This is the fire...this is the refining, this is the metamorphosis, the transformation of the old into the new. To live is Christ. I see so clearly the vain glory I seek (another point we discussed). I want to be praised and the only promise Christ gives me is to press on to share the Gospel and dont' worry about the rest. Acts 1:6 is the clear reminder...the disciples wonder when Christ is going to restore the kingdom....they still didn't get it. And, here I am, wondering when am I going to get the glory. Yeah, I still don't get it either. Lord, help me to remember that this work is about YOU and Your church, of which I am a part. Your beautiful story of redemption through your Son, Jesus Christ. How I want Your grace to be the very essence of our home and life, not having some magic potion but just simply knowing You and bringing You glory. It's so easy to make Jesus the magic potion. To make Him work for us. To fit Him into our boxes. I am so glad He won't let us do that too long until He brings us to our knees. So, at the end of the day, I lie down in bed renewed by His Word to press on for His glory, not my own. To love Jesus for Jesus, not for what I can get from Him, but just simply because He's enough.

"Remember Surrender"

Hi all, I'm back. Not sure what was up with the PC but glad it's working like normal. Anyway, I thought I'd share these lyrics with you. This is where I am at as of late...I hope you are encouraged to surrender all of you to the Lord Jesus with wreckless abandon. I, by no means, am there but this song helps me remember that God IS in control and has a wonderful, beautiful plan for our lives if we just would surrender to Him and allow Him to have His way and trust Him with every facet of our lives. By the way, that wonderful, beautiful plan is often wrought with much grief and pain as God deals with us and our sin so although God works all things out for His good and glory (Romans 8) it doesn't mean we will have a life free of stress and hardships...let's allow God to do that sanctifying work in our hearts...to strip us of our unrighteousness and make us more like His perfect Son, Jesus Christ. These lessons are not easy to learn or take but God IS faithful.
The ladies on our team are studying a Beth Moore Bible study entitled "To Live is Christ." It's been incredible and encouraging and challenging. Last week she shared from 2 Corinthians 1:8-11. Paul said "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. BUT this happened so that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On HIM we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us..."
The apostle and his companions were under GREAT pressure...so much that it was beyond their ability to endure. It's at that point God shows us His strength and His reliability. Praise God He is faithful to us. You might find yourself going thru a "hardship that is far beyond your ability to endure" if you are, find comfort in God and find strength in God, knowing that He who has raised the dead is able to deliver you. Surrender yourself to His perfect, good and pleasing will.

"Remember surrender, remember the rest
Remember the weight lifting off of your chest
And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was.
Remember surrender, remember relief, remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks as the warmth of a heavenly Father came closing in. I want to do that again. Why can't I live there and make my home? In sweet surrender, I want to do so much more than remember...

Remember surrender, remember the peace. Remember how softly you fell fast asleep. In the face of your troubles your future still shone as the morning sun. Remember surrender, remember that sound of all of those voices inside dying down but ONE who speaks clearly of helping and healing you deep within. I want to do that again. Why can't I live there and make my home? In sweet surrender I want to do so much more than remember."

by Sara Groves from her album "ALL RIGHT HERE"