Rough Days

*I wrote this post last Thursday, pressing on to know Him more.*

It's days like today that I hate. Days when I wake up late because I was up too late with a baby who wouldn't sleep well. And, my other three are all outside playing happily but breakfast hasn't been served yet and home school hasn't begun yet and laundry is piling up (just small heaps) and it's already mid-morning. The prayers I said through the night seem faint...and the pleading with my Savior to carry me through today seem dry and unrealistic. Oh, the optimism 3am brings! So, with harsh words spoken, sighs and groans and a bad temperament I start the day, even with the prayers said before leaving my bed. I grovel for some self-control as I press on through Language Arts. Questioning with impatience why the eldest son got the plural of some pronoun wrong...and the Spirit quickly checking me...with a gentle reminder that he is just learning these rules...go gentle on him and with love. Yes, He softens me and reminds me not to bring on myself a later sorrow that I will regret and to teach him lovingly. So, in obedience I submit. I sacrifice that selfish heart once again though it needs slaying every day, every moment. We are sin. It's not so much acts that we commit or not commit as much as it is WHAT we are. It's ingrained in the fabric of human nature...it comes so naturally, so subtly. My good friend often reminds me, "It's a broken world." Yes, indeed and I am a broken vessel. So, after reading the stories of Esther and Job to the children I find myself irritated again. I find a quiet place while the children are outside playing in the ashes of our fire pit, and I cry like a baby. I cry out to my Savior and He hears me. I know He hears me because I sense the Spirit reminding me of our discussion last night. Several ladies from our church gather together once a month to discuss Sunday's sermon. Last Sunday we heard Matthew 10:16-25. It's all about how Jesus' disciples will suffer. He suffered and we will too. We have the Word to encourage us, we have the presence of the Father, Son and Spirit to encourage us...so press on. Oh...is this my suffering? The daily laying aside of myself to serve my family. Serving meals, doing laundry, cleaning up messes, teaching pronouns, and the alphabet, and history, music and art. It doesn't seem much like suffering, does it? Many women would LOVE to have the opportunity to stay home with their children and count it all joy and here I am seemingly complaining about the "suffering" set before me. But, it is a daily laying down, a daily death, there's no room for me and I feel like I am losing myself. I forget, too soon, this is the goal. This is the fire...this is the refining, this is the metamorphosis, the transformation of the old into the new. To live is Christ. I see so clearly the vain glory I seek (another point we discussed). I want to be praised and the only promise Christ gives me is to press on to share the Gospel and dont' worry about the rest. Acts 1:6 is the clear reminder...the disciples wonder when Christ is going to restore the kingdom....they still didn't get it. And, here I am, wondering when am I going to get the glory. Yeah, I still don't get it either. Lord, help me to remember that this work is about YOU and Your church, of which I am a part. Your beautiful story of redemption through your Son, Jesus Christ. How I want Your grace to be the very essence of our home and life, not having some magic potion but just simply knowing You and bringing You glory. It's so easy to make Jesus the magic potion. To make Him work for us. To fit Him into our boxes. I am so glad He won't let us do that too long until He brings us to our knees. So, at the end of the day, I lie down in bed renewed by His Word to press on for His glory, not my own. To love Jesus for Jesus, not for what I can get from Him, but just simply because He's enough.