on spiritual warfare

Nearly every Sunday I come home from church and pretty immediately I struggle with anger, impatience, despair and discontentment.  This has been going on for some time.  If I had to guess, I would guess years.  I am ashamed to write that, but that is the reality.  Every Sunday is a struggle.  Now, there have been Sundays when I come home in a good mood and refreshed but that is definitely not the norm.  I was talking with a friend some time ago and I am not sure exactly how long ago but she was sharing a similar struggle and she said so clearly, that it was spiritual warfare.  This was the first time I realized that my struggle was also a spiritual one, one in which the enemy of our souls was battling every single Sunday to bring me down and to defeat me.  Ashamedly, I have caved way too many times.

Today, dear reader, was no different to the dozens of times I've had this experience.  Sunday comes, and I truly look forward to worship and I truly enjoy worship and am refreshed and feel like nothing can get me down and then 10 minutes home all Hades breaks loose. Today, all Hades broke loose and then there was clarity.  After my "meltdown" (selfish and indulgent and full of self-pity) I took a walk around our neighborhood.  It has been raining here for the past two days, quite hard, but there was a break in the weather and so I put on my sneakers and went out to burn off some steam.  On the walk, my heart was full of evil thoughts.  Thoughts that I won't even dare to write here.  Doubts and disappointments loomed large in my mind and my heart was hard.  I was doubting the Lord's goodness to me and His kindness...and I was most definitely taking His patience for granted.  I am thankful we serve a Lord who is slow to anger and abounding in love and kindness.  

I came home, went straight to my room, shut the door and laid down in my bed.  A few minutes later, Paul came in, gently, and asked if he could share something with me.  I agreed.  And he proceeded to share the sermon he listened to this morning (he stayed home with the girls since they all had some sickness in the past 24-48 hours).  It was a John Piper sermon on missions and some thoughts the Lord brought to his mind after listening.  The chisel was set and the Word and Spirit were ministering together to cut away the fat from around this cold, calloused heart.  I was humbled and struggling to let down my guard but eventually, I did by the Spirit's kindness, I let down my guard and heard.  Paul was saying these struggles are because of the calling.  He named it spiritual warfare, a torment of Satan to try to discourage us and beat us down with his lies.  We aren't called to America.  We are called to Thailand.  We are called to a place in Thailand that is hard.  All of Thailand is hard and to add to that hardness is the unknown of what to expect down south.  The spiritual forces at work in our lives are very real.  We have an enemy and he does not want to see us get to Thailand. If he can stop us here and now, he will and he will do all that he can to stop us from going forward.  That means, he will fill my mind with doubts about the good God that I serve and the calling that my good God has put on our life, that means he will tempt me to anger and impatience, to harsh speech and unkindness.  He will tempt me to think, as I did today, "there's no way you can serve Christ...look at you, you're a mess! Who are you fooling?"  Yeah, I really had these thoughts. I really had these temptations and regretfully, I listened to every one of them until I came home and Paul greeted me gently and with truth.  I haven't been spending much time in Ephesians 6 lately, but I think that this is where I need to be for a while...taking up the whole armor of God so that I can stand firm against the evil one.  It's funny how so much clarity comes when the Lord shows you His truth and right now I feel so foolish that I haven't realized this sooner...that I didn't really hear the Lord in that conversation with my friend awhile back, but all this struggle is to bring me closer to Him, to a deeper dependence on Him and that is where I hope to rest.  I feel ashamed that I bowed my knee to the enemy Sunday after Sunday and unfortunately just after bowing my knee to my Savior who bled and died for me!  O what a wretched man that I am.  So thankful that Christ is bigger than this and He is showing me victory can only come through Him and depending wholly upon Him!

Ephesians 6: 10-20
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this  present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.  To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak."

*Please pray for our family as we do battle temptations and oftentimes we give into them.  Pray Ephesians 6 with us and for us and may we see the Lord strengthen our walk in Him and may we see victory over sin in our lives but also in the lives of many Thai people.