The past couple months have been really difficult. I cannot seem to pinpoint exactly what has made them hard, but they have just been very hard. As I was talking to Paul last night I explained to him that I feel like every relationship I have I am ruining. It's like anything I "touch" simply goes all wrong. I really try not to think of myself more highly than I ought. I just seem to see with such much more clarity how I affect others...and unfortunately not always for the best! I especially see it in our family. I am short tempered and just plain rude with the kids at times. And, poor Paul, he gets the brunt of my selfishness and glares and unloving responses. And, what makes it even worse is that I look at the those in the world who are not lovers of Christ (what I claim to be) and they seem to love their families and friends with such joy and delight and selflessness. And I doubt God's goodness and I doubt God's love for me and I think "if only I can be more patient. If only I have more self control in my responses to the kids, if only, if only...." My expectations of myself, Paul and our children are endlessly high and unobtainable. I've been learning to tell myself that this is not who I am. I am a child of the Father's and because of Christ I have been made righteousness. That doesn't mean I don't ever sin (come and live with us for a while and you'll see plenty of sinful moments!) but it does mean that when my Heavenly Father looks at me, He sees Christ's righteousness. And, as I write this post, I think for the first time ever, I may know why the past couple months have been so difficult. I am learning what it means to be free in Christ, my beloved Lord. I am learning that I am dependent on Him for EVERYthing. This I have known for years, in my head. But, I think it is becoming more of a knowledge in my heart. And as a result I am trying to let go of sinful habits I have formed that I thought were godliness but actually are sinful. Such as guilt, self-righteousness, self-pity, covetousness, pride and the list is probably 100 miles long. When I look at my sins, I don't see them as sins, necessarily all the time. I see them as my rights and find ways to justify the way I am feeling. Instead of submitting my "rights" at the Cross and repenting and believing in Him who died for me I go on fighting for them.
Isn't this the point? That we preach ourselves the Gospel everyday? Everyday we need to hear, Christ died for me, I have been bought with a price and it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. The Father loves me, He loves me enough that He sent His beloved Son to die for me and not only that He has sent His Spirit to live INside of me. EVERY day we need to hear this message. It's not like you wake up one day and you decide to follow Jesus and then that is it, my fire insurance (escape from hell ticket) has been purchased and now I don't have to worry about how it'll all end so long as I don't murder someone or break someone's marriage up, I'll be good for the streets of gold. Oh no, dear reader, if you think that you might well be on your way to hell. Following Christ is a daily laying down of yourself for the sake of Christ. It's a daily reminder that He died for me! He died for me and now I can live for Him! It's true freedom but I realize this sound foolish to those who don't know Him. Anyway, after writing this post, I think a lot of my difficulties are coming from the expectation I have to be perfect clashing with the Lord's desire for me to glorify and enjoy HIM! I am seeing more of my sinfulness as I see more of His holiness and it makes me uncomfortable and yet this, Lord willing, will evoke real change and transformation in my heart to make me conformed to the image of Christ Jesus. And this will only happen by the power of His Spirit at work in me. So, I think, if I have my theology right (!) that I am feeling this tension because God is at work! I am trying to preach the Gospel to myself, daily. I am trying to remember the Cross in those hard moments of the day. And, by God's grace, He is putting me through the fire, refining me as gold and one day I will stand complete in Him, as pure as gold. The fire burns and it hurts, but it's for our good and His glory and I am learning that when I hurt to press into Him even more. What a Father! What a Lord! What a Savior to save a worm like me!
2 comments:
Dear Crystal,
I love your post. I check every few days to see how everone is doing. The discoveries and joys of your family; I rejoice in the movement of Christ among you. You are so special to me and have been since I first met you. How well I identify with your confession and need for the gospel in my own life. He is faithful! Love in our Redeemer, Debra Warren
I think I could often write this very same post. God is at work in you, but remember that God is satisfied with you in Christ. You are His worm! :). Will pray for you to feel freedom and peace. Will pray for victory in the struggles and sin. Grace is greater....
Post a Comment