Weakness yet again

I’ve been in bit of a funk the past week since Paul’s mom left. PJ has been gone in the mornings to the place where he is babysat and the baby and I have been home while Paul is at school. While Calvin sleeps I try to get some Thai review in before heading back to class next Tuesday! I have thought about posting but just didn’t have much to say because my mind is processing so much right now…and if I had posted the post would come out like this one has…messed up and convoluted! But, hey, I need you to listen and I need you to pray!
At Helen’s suggestion I am reading a missionary biography entitled “Once Bitten”. It’s about two missionary doctors (married) who served here in Central Thailand with OMF. It’s a good read but so much of what has been written really speaks to my own heart (as Helen said it would!).
Anyway, this is yet another post about my own weaknesses. Of course I thought I was doing pretty well in the weakness department…sorta stopped praying for God to show me my weaknesses (I had enough of that sorta pain for awhile) but it’s hitting again.
I totally feel like a failure. I feel like I fail a million times a day and then some. It’s hard to admit that to all of you, my pride rises within me but it’s true. I fail my God, my husband and my children. I know that this is a direct result of my sin…that sin being mainly pride among others, but chiefly pride! As a result of my pride, however, sins of impatience and selfishness are common in my life. And as we have really started to hone in on disciplining PJ and also using Scripture to teach him why this is bad or this is good (Scripture should always be our standard as Christian parents) I am finding myself wanting. If I can’t exemplify this character, how will my child? If I am being impatient, won’t he naturally be impatient too? Of course he will. If I am being proud of heart, won’t he be also? So, this realization (AGAIN!) about my own proud heart is hitting home. This time, however, I am really seeing it affect PJ. I am seeing firsthand how my attitude affects the entire household…and the past weeks it has not been pleasant.
Some of you may already be justifying why I am feeling this way…I can hear you now…”the poor thing, she just had a baby, her hormones are all out of wack”, “she’s living in a foreign country with two small children and trying to learn a foreign language on top of all that”, “she’s away from all that is familiar and comfortable, who wouldn’t be unpleasant and impatient at times?” Well, I can assure you, it’s simply my sin. So, don’t pity me but I beg you to pray for me. Pray for God to continue to crush my pride (as painful as I know it will be) and make me more into the image of His holy Son, Jesus Christ. So often, I want to pretend to all of you that I am fine and that all is well in the world here but quite honestly it’s hard. I see, almost daily, the spiritual battle that we are in. Satan would love to defeat us (and by us I mean Paul and I but also our team, other missionaries and You!). He is working so hard to bring turmoil on a daily basis…and often he wins because I allow my pride to get in the way of serving and loving others (right now, that is mainly my family.) Oh, how I HATE my sin and just wish it could go away. I say things I shouldn’t, think things I shouldn’t, don’t say things I should, don’t do things I should and in the midst of all this, I know there is God and His marvelous grace. He is able to refine me and conform me. But once again, I must “surrender my rights on all levels” (another Helen Roseveare quote)…not an easy feat for me. My mom said something to me the other day that has really stuck with me. She said that for so long (while me and my siblings were growing up) she didn’t have love. She loved us but she didn’t discipline us with love and basically she wasn’t living I Corinthians 13*. I remember when my mom discovered that passage and hasn’t stopped preaching it since. I remember times of anger towards a friend or being hurt by someone and wanting to lash back at that person but my mom would always remind me to LOVE. How I hated to hear her speech but I knew I needed it. Anyway, the other day mom said something else. She reminded me to discipline PJ in love . I fear I have not been faithful to disciplining in love. I fear that if I don’t allow Christ to rule in my heart with His love then my sons will grow to be bitter towards me and God. So, I know this post is pretty convoluted and messed up but I am begging for your prayers. For God to show me His grace and truly refine my proud heart into a loving, humble heart that seeks to serve others instead of myself. I am no longer the only one involved (I haven’t been for a long while now, I just have chosen to ignore it.)
*I Corinthians 13:1-8 says,
“And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am NOTHING. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain NOTHING.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not PROUD. It is not rude, it is not SELF-SEEKING, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
LOVE NEVER FAILS. But where there are prophecies, the will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.